Late Feedback

Life is not really good right now. I am renting a small room from an old acquaintance, but going into debt even though my rent is not high. I need more work. I have applied to three places for substitute teaching, and so far I have been accepted at one. But I have told two of them that I don’t want early morning calls, so I don’t even know if they’ll use me. When I get home from Rio at night, I want that time to myself and not to have to go to bed right away, tho I will do so if I have to and know abt it beforehand.
You can’t believe how difficult it is to get a job these days, or go to school or whatever. You have to have all your records and papers, shots, licenses, nine or so references, etc., etc., etc. It is the worst kind of full time job you can imagine. It’s like running in place in a dream: work, work, work, with little or no prospect of gain.
The two weeks w/ r were good. He cried when I left—wanted to go to Arizona with me. I whispered in his ear so his mother couldn’t hear, “three months, three months.” I told my friends that I was confident before God that that would work out. Now I’m really in doubt.
I want to buy a Dawes SST single-speed bike. I’m not sure my prostate could take it though. I have a cruiser type bike, which was given to me and feels great on my happy butt. But I want to zip in and out on a fine machine. It’s $300, and I would have to go further into debt for it.
Boy am I tired. I’m falling asleep. I had to get up early today to go the VA hospital for a follow up appointment and hopefully to get and MMR vaccine or immunization, which normally would be $100. I’ve been staying up till two a.m. doing crazy-ass paperwork for jobs, so it’s always difficult to swicht to a four-hour earlier bedtime when I have to.
Think I oughtta get a facebook page? Lots of my friends and family got ‘em. I also could post a link to my blog.
I just got a call from another subbing place—encouraging I guess, but the interview ain’t for 2 ½ weeks.
I’m fed up with how this country is run. It’s impossible to make good laws due to the fact that politicians are paid for.
I am too tired to continue Nice-looking my-ageish woman in the next car. I managed to generate a smile for her. She ignored me.
I hain’t been blogging because I don’t ride the train now. That was when I used to write. Now I sit in my room and channel surf. I am still only working abt 12 hrs per week. There is no subbing thru my current school, due to the fact that they are just combining classes to cover teacher absences.
I started giving money to my church in accordance w/ costs here in the US, not in accordance w/ Polish economic standards. Not easy ‘cause I have no money myself. Now that is more than my beer money.
I might get more hours at my job if not for the fact that they would have to give me health benefits if they did that.

Another VA hospital day. I got an H1N1 vaccine, an MMR blood test, found out abt my tetanus history (up-to-date), and an appointment or medicine to be mailed for a skin spot. My health is generally better here in Arizona. I have one pair of shoes that has lasted me much longer than usual, ‘cause I don’t have foot problems here; also my injured wrist don’t bother me as much.
I went ahead and bought a bike. I had also seen a nice, cheap ($250), light bike in Target and decided to apply for a credit card, which would have given me a further 10% off. The application was turned down, and I decided to buy the bike anyway, even though I am already living on my debit card line of credit. I spent the whole weekend since the purchase turning it over and over in my mind. I already had a bike. Now my prostrate is acting up a bit with this new one. Well, I don’t expect this writing to help my with my doubts and grappling with my decision. I could take it back, though the return policy states that the bike must be “unused,” and I’ve already taken it for a couple of rides. Further, I just can’t get comfortable with that decision, even though I have the time to do so, and they’d probably accept it back. I still have to work on a seat solution and maybe a handle bar one and buy a helmit, lights, gloves, etc. (which I would have to buy anyway). The Dawes was beautiful, except for the rear dropouts, which really looked chincey. Somehow the seat on it looked like it would be ok. And it was a cool bike. Only one speed though, and it already had clips and straps.
I couldn’t stop thinking abt those two bikes, though. And felt a purchase would lift my spirits out of the depressive mood I’m in due to the money situation. Also, I need to really zip over to jobs if I get called up to sub. Also, I will use it to exercise more—20 min. to ½ hr, three times a week, and there are some really nice bike routes near me.
I’m tight about this. Lord, should I take it back? Lord, should I take it back? Lord, should I take it back?
I think I want the Dawes and will get one. Maybe that is a problem w/ my thinking—I am getting into this either or thinking. Gotta go. More turning this over and over in my mind, but it’s my stop.
Still have some time, waiting on the bus. I dread having to pump money into my new purchase. Flip. I’m not a happy guy, you can see. This is just therapeutic writing, you know? It’s not designed to be read for enjoyment. Miss Manners says don’t post your personal life online. Gotta think abt that.
Later.
Here’s what I wrote in my real world journal:
2-12-‘10
The doubts abt my new bike became so strong and alarming, I decided to take it back to Target. After three days of riding it they still took it back. It left me feeling confused. So I went back and ought it again before they’d even reracked it. Now I own it.


On the train—I’m subbing at my old location this week.
Prostrate bugged me last night. It remains to be seen whether the bicycle wasn’t a mistake. I almost want to go through all my credit money and just totally run out of all resources and face the next skids, the way I think my life is going to go. See ya in the gutter.